Trials and parenting?

So I know that many people ask the question, " Why do bad things happen to people who love God?" I think I have always thought that it's because we live in a sinful world, and because all things are for God's glory, so if it brings Him glory to go through a trial, then that could be why. But many reasons we may not know until heaven one day.

1 John 2:16,"For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world."

Romans 5:12, "Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned— "

Romans 6:23, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

But this past week I was thinking about parenting (basically consumes most of my day!). Would any of us not want our children to expereince pain...well silly question, YES! But in a way, no, we want them to experience some disappointment, consequences, etc. because it builds character and helps them grow. I am constantly having to discipline so that my children learn to obey God and others, and become less selfish. So I believe that God does not like to see us hurt, but at the same time He knows that it produces character and growth, and that we wouldn't be the way we are after a trial had we never experienced it. I know in my own life I would not have made the same decisions had we not lost Brady. And I pray that God is glorified through all of life's ups and downs.

Romans 5:2b-5,"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. "

The dread of July...

I love summer. I love everything about going to the beach, being outside, spending time with family, friends and my children. But the past 2 years July has not been a good month. In 2008 Brady was in and out of the hospital most of the month and then on the 24th our journey with him ended. Then last year, 2009, I ended up in the emergency room with a migrane and stroke-like symptoms.  I was in the same emergency room that we took Brady to, only a few days prior to the 24th (the anniversary of his passing). It was sureal to me as I walked in, remembering the year before and how it changed our lives forever.  I even ended up in the same CAT scan machine as he was in...which was hard (I turned out fine..it was simply a migrane). Even though it was painful I felt some sort of connection I guess as time was getting farther and farther away. The pain is not as intense, however part of me hates to get farther away from the event because I don't remember it as well, and I want to remember every little detail about Brady, and never forget.  I think I also slip back into some sort of weakened emotional state in July...can that really happen? My body knows when it's July, and I loose control? I just feel the ups and downs of life, that normally don't bother me at all. I get overlly worried about things that normally dont worry me, and I guess part of that is also that Walker is the exact age of Brady when he got sick, but I also think part of that is my body knows the cycle of a year...and perhaps every year at this time it will be a little bittersweet. It also doesn't help when it's rainy...but I know we need the rain.

I think I need a plan for July, so that when it comes around I'm prepared for what's going to happen. Not that I'm trying to ignore what's happening, but maybe purposefully changing my thoughts could help. I think it's altogether part of the grieving process, but the fear that creeps in is not. And I would love to remember him in a happy way and not so much by the trip to the hospital. Maybe going through the book of Isaiah would help during this time...how ironic (or God) that his middle name was Isaiah! The comfort that God gives His people is AMAZING...and I need to take hold of that. He is faithful all the time...for he cannot deny himself.

Psalm 33:4, "For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does."

2 Thessalonians 3:3, "But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one."

2 Timothy 2:13, "if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself."

Hebrews 10:23, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."


I am very thankful however, that we have lots of plans and fun things for this month and the whole summer. That helps time go by quicker and also gives me something to look forward to. Well..its a sunny day today so I feel more hopeful...I'm off to the beach...my little piece of heaven, here on earth. (Isn't it awesome that God calls earth His footstool, compared to heaven...I can't even imagine how sweet it will be up there! Party!)

Wow its been a while since I wrote...just not feeling too inspired lately I guess. But as God gives me things to write...i will.

This weekend, 4th of July, is going to be packed full of fun and family. I can't wait, but also what comes to mind are my sweet pictures of Brady, on his last 4th of July. He was a little older than our Walker is now. That was the weekend before he got sick, and changed our lives forever. So I will always take some sweet time to remember his smile and personality, while enjoying what new memories we make.

I also wanted to give you all update on Walker's last trip to CHOP. We met with the doctors to discuss some questions and he had some blood work done. I must admitt I was a little anxious waiting for the results, but knew that God is faithful no matter what. And also kind of expecting them to be the same as last time, which I was ok with. We got a call and immediately the Dr said, " I have great news!"  You know when a Dr starts out that way, that it IS good news. Even in the past when they have had decent news to share with us they come into it very conservatively. So Walker's blood work was completely NORMAL!! Praise the Lord! He has created antibodies to all his vaccines and his IgG came up to normal levels for a 1 year old! He can come off of the antibiotics. This was a huge answer to prayer and its only because of our Lord. So thank you everyone for the continuous prayers, we have felt them. And I must say going into this weekend, the one where Brady got sick, it is a huge relief to know that Walker is ok. :)

Have a happy 4th everyone!

"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness."
Psalm 86:15


"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

He will carry me...

Sitting in church this week (we were out of town, visiting family), the pastor gave us several passages that were good for me to hear. Yes, I have read them all before, but it's funny how at just the right time, God gives us exactly what we need.

Psalm 55:22, "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall."

Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

2 Corinthians 1:3-5, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

God wants to help us carry our burdens and even give them over to Him and have Him carry them for us. So instead of carrying my sorrow around...I choose to give it to the one who will take it from me.  I thank the Lord everyday for taking it off my "back" because I couldn't survive day to day if I had to carry it myself. Thank you Lord, for loving me so much...I can't even comprehend it!

Nobody told me that the second year would be harder to go through than the first. That's because no one needed to, everyone's process is different. Last year was hard because everything was still so "raw" and it was the first Christmas without Brady, his first birthday without him, etc. But this year I have a little one year old running around that is almost the spitting image of the little boy I lost. I took Walker to his one year Dr. appointment, and as I was sitting in the waiting room I thought back about bringing Brady to the same place 2 years prior. He checked out fine too; the Dr. said he was perfect...but 3 months later that all changed. So as I sat there with Walker this past week I just realized how everything can change so quickly, and also that when I feel the fear starting to slip into my mind...I need to hand it over to the Lord right away...before it gets that foot-hold....because it can become paralyzing when I give in to it. I know that the Lord is in control and that we have the best team of Doctors following Walker's case, but sometimes my humaness gets the best of me!

Many of you have read the blog, "Bring the Rain" by Angie Smith (she is the wife of a singer in the group Selah).  It is her story of loosing a child...but I also just read her book,  I Will Carry You.  And I read through it so quickly (and if you know me I don't read through anything quickly because I don't really like to read and its hard to keep my interest) because so many of her thoughts and feelings, I had experienced before....and at certain parts I said to myself, "yes! that's exactly how I felt!" I was re-assured that others' go through these times too, and feel the same way. But in the moment you think you are the only one.

I find myself thinking sometimes what Brady would do in a certain situation or I wonder what he would be like now...but that was never intended for him here on earth.  But it blows me away to think of how huge an impact a little 16 month old can make in the world...and he could barely talk...let alone make a difference in the terms of how we often think. But every now and then I hear an example of how he or his story has made a difference in someone else's life, which gives me great encouragement and often keeps me going...through the daily sorrow/joy we still experience.  I thank the Lord for those little glimpses of the purpose he had for Brady and for us through all of this.

2 cor 2:14- "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him."

Cute story from the past week- I wear a necklace with 3 hearts on it, and I recently told Aiden that they were for my 3 boys...and we have also been singing patty cake a lot with Walker, because he loves doing all the motions. So Sunday we went for a walk and Luke stopped to talk with the neighbors, and Aiden started singing patty cake with Walker, and he said, "roll it, pat it, and mark it with an A, B and W and throw it in the oven for all of us! Aiden, Brady and Walker!!" I thought that was so cute, and am reminded that Aiden completely remembers him and knows where he is and will never forget! :) It brings me joy.

Homesickness...

I have been reading through a book called, The Prodigal God, by Timothy Keller, and have come to a topic that I can relate to so well, as I'm sure many of you can. He begins talking about how each of us has a powerful influence of "home" in our lives. I am going to quote the book a lot, because he clearly explains it the best!

" "Home" exercises a powerful influence over human life...Many of us have fond memories of times, people, and places where we felt we were truly home. However, if we ever have the opportunity to get back to  the places we remember so fondly, we are usually disappointed....Home, then, is a powerful but elusive concept. The strong feelings that surround it reveal some deep longing within us for a place that absolutely fits and suits us, where we can be, or perhaps find, our true selves. Yet it seems that no real place or actual family ever satisfies these yearnings, though many situations arouse them...Many people of the church have shared with me how disappointing Christmas and Thanksgiving are to them. They prepare for the holidays hoping that, finally, this year, the gathering of family at that important place will deliver the experience of warmth, joy, comfort, and love that they want from it. But these events almost always fail, crushed under the weight of our impossible expectations."

Now I don't want you all to think that I don't have wonderful family holidays, or am let down all the time, because I'm not!! But I completely have had the feeling before of preparing for something so much that by the time it comes around and is gone, i feel like saying, "that was it!?" There is so much preparation and expectations on something that we are bound to be let down by it. But the main point he goes on to make about all this is that we all have some sort of "spiritual homesickness."

Back to the book, "In the beginning of the book of Genesis we learn the reason why all people feel like exiles, like we aren't really home. We are told that we were created to live in the garden of God. That was the world we were built for, a place in which there was no parting from love, no decay or disease. It was all these things because it was life before the face of God, in his presence. There we were to adore and serve his infinite majesty, and to know, enjoy and reflect his infinite beauty. That was our original home, the true country we were made for...The Bible says that we have been wandering as spiritual exiles ever since. That is, we have been living in a world that no longer fits our deepest longings. Though we long for bodies that "run and are not weary," we have become subject to disease, aging, and death. Though we long to make a difference in the world through our work, we experience endless frustration...Jesus had not come to simply deliver one nation from political oppression, but to save all of us from sin, evil, and death itself. He came to bring the human race Home. Therefore He didnot come in strength but in weakness. He came and experienced the exile that we deserved...He took upon himself the full curse of human rebellion, cosmic homelessness, so that we could be welcomed into our true home."

So sorry to carry that on...but this book is so good and explains it so well. That concept tied in really well of Walker's birthday...I prepared so long for it and believe me had so much fun, but by the time the party comes and goes...it goes by so fast! And at the end you have a let-down, because you are physically tired and the fact that it's over. But it makes me happy to know that Christ came and died for me so that one day I will be Home, with him, and the party will never end!

We did have a blast this weekend celebrating Walker's birthday with family and friends and celebrating mother's day, with both moms! We truly feel blessed!

Revelation 21:4, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain- for the old order of things has passed away."

We have hope!

Walker is turning 1!

Well this weekend we get to celebrate Walker's 1st birthday...and boy are we going to party! We have so much to celebrate and be thankful for. I am so blessed to be his mommy and thankful every day for God giving him to us!

James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

This year has been hard approaching Walker's first birthday, primarily because he reminds me so much of Brady, and he is also getting to the age where I remember Brady the most...and they are so similar. I find so much joy in watching Walker play and walk around because in a way I can remember the things I enjoyed the most about Brady...I catch myself at times, because I even try to call him Brady, even though he is so much his own little man! So it is bitter-sweet at times; I think this spring I have found myself thinking about Brady much more than last year, but it is with joy I remember him. I also find myself praying to God to give me the strength and take away the anxiety I have as Walker approaches the age that Brady was. I have so much to celebrate now, and believe me we enjoy every little moment here in the VanDerPloog household...so i will post pictures next week of our week long celebration!

2 Corinthians 9:8, "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

Psalm 28:7, "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song."

Psalm 126:3, "The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy."

Recent struggles...

So recently I heard that God gives us strength and grace when we need it most. And I would say that it's been obvious that He gave it to me when I needed it most, almost 2 years ago. That is the only way to explain what we have experienced...that we have survived because of God's grace alone. But that means that doubt and fear will creep in and try to make us stumble during our day to day lives. I have totally seen this lately in my own life. God sustained me completely during the hardest times of my life, no doubt, and He still sustains me now, but it's easier for me to get caught up in fear now, more than ever. I see myself sometimes dwelling on what could happen to me or my children or even with day to day events, when really I should surrender it all to God, and like He commands more than any other thing in the Bible, "Do not fear." He has proven faithful in the past, and He is always faithful, but why can't I remember that every day? the enemy knows exactly what we fear the most and he uses that too draw us away from Christ. So take a stand and turn away from fear, and trust in the Lord.

Sometimes as humans too, we rely on physical things, or people to fulfill our needs rather than relying on Christ to fulfill our every need. That is so easy to do, whether it's a friend to talk to and get advice from (instead of immediately turning to prayer and the Bible), or relying on our husbands and children to get the love and acceptance we need as people (Christ loves us unconditionally). So the past few weeks these are issues I am finding myself working through...first to NOT FEAR, and also to let Christ fulfill my needs, rather than being let down by humans (because that will be a constant); Christ will never let me down.

Isaiah 49:16, "Behold I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me."

1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

I also have come to the realization that I am "honored" that God has allowed us to expereience what we have, because I know that it is for His glory.  And if even one person comes to Christ through what we have experienced then it was all worth it; I feel blessed that God has used us in such a way. It makes me love Him even more, because I know how much He loves me, and carries me through tough times. But He has a grand plan and as I begin to see little pieces fit together, I'm in awe of His majesty and power.

God gave His one and only son for us on the cross, and I got a little glimpse of what it means to "give" a son, not that we were given an option. So yes we have been blessed with 2 other sons, but I can't imagine what it would be like to loose an only son. Plus another difference is that Christ was without sin, and still died for us. We definately have sin in our world today and therefore we will all die someday. But it makes me realize again how much God loves me because of Him sacrificing his one, and only son, to save us. Wow!

Pslam 104:1, "Praise the Lord, O my soul. O Lord my God, you are very great; you are clothed with spledor and majesty."

Update on Walker...

Hi all! So I expressed to all you my concern, as we found out we were having another boy, regarding the medical issues we had with Brady. So the only thing we could while I was prego with Walker was to find out if it was genetic, by testing my blood, and waiting to have Walker's blood tested when he was born. Thank the Lord that my test came out fine, not genetic!! So chances are Brady's immunodeficiency was a fluke (1 in a mil type of thing)- but obviously part of God's plan from the beginning.

So Walker arrived on May 6th (it's almost his first birthday!!) and his blood was tested. The first round of tests came back great (basic CBC), but we were waiting for more tests of his immune system, which took a while to get back. Finally after calling and waiting and calling and waiting, we found out that one of his values was a little off...he had a low count of B-cells (which is part of the immune system and aids in making antibodies against antigens). So...the only thing to do at this point was wait and re-take his blood a couple months down the road. And it was best for me to keep nursing...that way he gets my antibodies, and is protected longer than if he was on formula.

Walker had more blood work at 6 months and his b-cell count was great!! Praise God! However, his IgG count was low. Ugh...I just wanted an all around good report. But I also realized that many kids could have these issues and never find out about it because they don't get blood work every few months! So I was optimistic. This was the only low value, he was developing anti-bodies to his vaccines, which was something that Brady didn't do very well. So again, I was encouraged. The Dr. decided to put him on antibiotics, prophylactically to prevent him from getting any serious infections (until we could do more testing-and they are trying to play it safe for our circumstance). So since the beginning of December 2009 he has been on Amoxicillin twice a day, which he takes like a champ. We went back for blood work at 9 months and his count was the same, low.  So we remain on antibiotics, and he will be tested again after his first birthday. We are going to CHOP (Children's Hospital of Philadelphia) for all his Dr. appointments and blood work.  The head of immunology, Dr. Orange and his fellow, Dr. Forbes have been following our case and have been fabulous to work with!

I asked Dr. Orange how this low IgG count would manifest itself in a child, and he told me that a child with this low value might be seen in the Dr. office several times for re-curring ear infections, colds, etc. So it seemed minor infections were a result. Walker has never had an ear infection, only several colds this winter, which could have been due to his low IgG. But I feel safe because he is on antibiotcs for the time being. Dr. Orange also said that they wouldn't diagnose this an immunodeficiency until age 4, if he still has this issue. Until that age it could just be that his immune system is taking a slower time developing his IgG. So we are praying that soon (before 4) he makes his own! :)

I wanted to give everyone an abbreviated update, because I'm sure some of you were wondering what ever happened to all of Walker's testing, and also so you could pray for him and us as we continue to wait and re-visit the Doctors! Thanks for all your support, we are truely grateful and love all of you!

I have prayed lots for Aiden since everything has happened for several reasons. At first I felt so bad he had to go through the death of a brother and playmate. He didn't necessarily react in a bad way, but as his mother, I felt really bad for him...probably since I was feeling down I thought he would be too. He also has such a sweet personality that desires to be around other people...for example he won't go into our playroom (which is right off of the fam room and kitchen) to play by himself. He would rather be right next to me in the kitchen. He is also fine if he has a friend over...he will play in there. So one thing that drastically changed at first was he stopped going in his playroom to play. He had been playing in there very well ever since Brady was crawling...because as long as Brady was in there Aiden would play in there too. I guess he likes bodies around, they didn't really have to be playing together. So anyway, that was one thing I noticed right off the bat...Aiden missed his playmate.

Another reason I think I prayed so hard for Aiden was that I guess I was worried for his health and safety. For the few weeks and months after Brady's passing, I feel like I put Aiden in a bubble; I didn't want anything to happen to him. I am not typically a worried mother. My kids get sick and I thought I was very capable at home...of course I took them to the Dr. if something else was wrong, but colds, and fevers never worried me until this. I guess considering the circumstances it was understandable to react this way. But I couldn't take my eyes off of Aiden and had to be by his side. I guess I let anxiety set in and I was afraid of losing him too.

And then I was praying that Aiden wouldn't feel the sadness that his parents felt. I was hoping to put on a good face for him so that he would have my best and not feel neglected. It was ok to be sad...but did not want that to take over, and prevent me from becoming a good mother to him. I had so many mixed feelings regarding being the mother to Aiden after everything happened. I wanted the best for him so much, but felt I couldn't give it to him at the time...whether it was a playmate or happy, strong mother.
I thank the Lord for Walker, our little angel, because Aiden is playing in the playroom again...a little! :) I know God is good and in control but that was one of the hardest things to deal with losing Brady, was that Aiden lost his little brother (who was 19 months younger).

I know you all could figure out how I felt after loosing Brady but I wanted to share some of my thoughts and feelings that I had regarding Aiden after the fact too.

1 Samuel 1:27, "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."

1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you."

For such a time as this...

So I am currently involved in a Beth Moore Bible study, Esther, which has been of course exactly what I needed at this time.  The famous verse Esther 4:14b goes like this, "And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?" I have heard this many times before, but never could really apply it to my life...and it got me thinking! (uh oh)

Basically Esther was hesitant to obey Mordecai's instruction to plead with the king regarding their (the Jews) lives...and he says to Esther (via a messanger) in 4:13, "Do not imagine that you in the king's palace can escape any more than all the jews. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place and you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?" So basically she was going to suffer whether or not she stood up to the king and asked for him to spare the Jews. As I think about this...how many times in my situations do I try and get out of, to escape ebarrassment? Or to try and keep the peace? When I should be looking to set a good example for Christ and obey and fulfill His will for my life. Was Brady's death my "such a time as this?" Was I created for that moment/experience, and as it affects the rest of my life and actions. I can sit back and try to escape what happened to me and my family or I can step up and obey my Savior.
I think about, "what do I have to loose?" And the only thing I can think of that even makes sense is that I could loose my destiny of life (God's destiny) if I choose to hide/cower/disobey. I could loose the fulfillment of God's purpose, and regret that later in life...and believe me I don't want that to happen. I don't want to loose the gifts God has blessed me with all because I am worried about myself...that's not what life is about.

Esther was hesitant to listen to Mordecai's suggestion because she was afraid to die (going before the king without being called for could end in death). But if she didn't plead with the king she could die too, because she was a Jew (and there was a decree out to kill all the Jews). So in a way, "what did she have to loose?" She was fulfilling God's purpose for her life, and making the most of it. I hope and pray I get to do that with my life and don't let it pass by with regrets.

So I ask you all...what is your, "for such a time as this?"

I love this verse 2 Corinthians 10:5, "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."

Exodus 9:16, "But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."

2 Timothy 2:13, "If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself."

2 Timothy 1:7, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."

Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God."

Another side note, in light of celebrating Easter last Sunday...we are also learning about pivot points, or reversal or fortunes. In Esther the point of the story where everything pivots/reverses is in chapter 6. Also the pivot point for us as Christians, is when Jesus is resurrected! (Easter!) Its the point where things turn around, for the better! Another example in the Bible is when Saul, the persecuter becomes Paul the persecuted. I believe my point in time when my life changed was the death of Brady. I know this might be hard for some to understand how this could be a change for the good, but I have become closer with God and had to trust Him now more than ever, and He has proven faithful! It has changed my ways of thinking, my priorities and even how i spend my time and money. I am enjoying every moment of every day and trying to live my life to the fullest for Jesus. Have any of you experienced a pivotal point in your life? How have you responded? Did you turn towards God or away? I am praying that all of you are serving Christ more fully as a result, because it's totally rewarding!

So as a mother..I began from day one praying for my children (as I'm sure many of you have done)...for who they would one day marry...who they would become...that they would serve Jesus Christ all of their life...etc. But as you're praying that you never think that they won't get married or won't live long enough to know who Jesus is...but that's what we experienced. So now looking back on my prayers for Brady...were those wasted prayers? He never even fulfilled what I was praying for? God knew from day one that he wouldn't fulfill any of them. But obviously that wasn't his purpose here on earth either, and only God knew that. So I do think it's ok to still pray for your children...and I continue to do so, however now I tend to pray that their lives would reflect Christ...and everything would be His will. I also pray very specifically for them in the future, but I realize now that God answers prayers sometimes differently then we expect...and it's all in His will.

Psalm 54:2, "Hear my prayer, O God; listen to the words of my mouth."
And He does hear us when we pray....EVERY word.

So like I mentioned in the previous post, we found out we were pregnant. Anxiously waiting to find out what we were having...not that it mattered girl or boy, but we needed to follow up with our immunologist and devise a plan for this baby. If Brady had an immunodefiency that was genetic...we could have a 50% chance of passing on to any future boys. However if we had a girl, she would not have the disorder but could potentially be a carrier. So we would definately be relieved if it was indeed a girl.
So I was tested to see if this was genetic...trusting and praying the whole waiting peroid that this was a part of God's plan no matter the outcome. I was totally calm!
It was NOT genetic...praise God!
I also mentioned before that if we had a girl i thought it would be easier because I could pack up all the boy things, and not have to be reminded as much of our sweet little Brady. Luke had mentioned however that a boy would be better because then it would blur the memories just a little, between the boys, so it wouldn't be so hard. So I guess we were ok with whatever and only God knew what was best for us.
We found out we were having a boy...and to be honest I was shocked! Are you sure? Can you check again? Haha...I was like, "ok God you must know this is best!"
I still re-decorated the room, and was fortunate to receive lots of hand-me-downs from cousins so I did not need to dig out Brady's old clothes, that reminded me so much of him.
All we could do regarding the medical issues, was wait now until he was born and have blood work done on him as soon as he arrived. And pray for his health!

Now this part is neat! I can remember that in the days and weeks to follow Brady's death, that I repeatedly prayed for God to "bring him back." In my sadness and desperation, that was my cry to the Lord. And today looking at Walker (our 10 month old now), I can say that God DID bring him back (in the only way physically possible)...when He blessed us with Walker. Walker is different and special in his own way, and we will always have that void where Brady once was, however I look at him and realize that God answered my prayer and brought him back to me. They look very similar...more so than Aiden did to either of them. And their personalities are so very similar...its nice to have that back. We will forever miss Brady, but are so very thankful for the glimpse we still have of him in our little Walker.

Ok so one final closing thought and song...singing worship songs at church was a little hard for a while..and most of the time I just stood there and sang them in my heart, (holding back the tears)...not outwardly. But the most difficult song for me to sing was, In Christ Alone. Im still not sure exactly why...i can't even say that the lyrics pertain to what I went through, but it's such a powerful song, and God moved me as I listened. Maybe it's because it has to do with Christ's death and how He was glorified through his death, and what a victorious resurrection came out of His death...and that Jesus commands our destiny; here are the words:

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:

Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

God will bring healing...

Aiden's 3rd birthday was 3 days after Brady's service. It was a little difficult to be happy with Aiden and still mourn the loss of his brother. But Aiden needed some quality mom and dad time, which was nice to spend with him! Lucas took some time off work, a month, so that we could be together as a family and do a little traveling. Sitting home would be harder we decided...not that either was easy...going to visit family and friends was not easy either, but we decided it was best for us.

We received a few "love" packages in the mail from friends (thank you!) and they included a devotional, "Streams in the Desert," by L.B. Cowman. It was exactly what we needed and I highly recommend this for everyone...even going through daily trials that life brings. Anyway, each day I read, it was exactly what I needed for that day...God is good. One of the devotionals that really impacted me at the time was based on Ecc. 11:3, "If clouds are full of water, they pour rain upon the earth." Doesn't mean much there, but after reading the devo it made more sense to me. Here is one paragraph from that devo:

"How can we have rain without clouds? Our troubles have always brought up blessings, and they always will, for they are the dark chariots of God's bright and glorious grace. Before long the clouds will be emptied, and every tender plant will be happier due to the showers. Our God may drench us with grief, but He will refresh us with His mercy. Our Lord's love letters oftern come to us in dark envelopes...So let us not worry about the clouds. Instead, let us sing because May flowers are brought to us through April clouds and showers."

It was very hard at first, but I am now focusing on what God wants for me out of this circumstance instead of dwelling on the storm itself; that does nobody any good.

I think as a Christian its easy to say that God gives us peace and strength...but until I was in the place when I needed it most...I can truely say He gives us exactly the amount we need! When we need more peace and strength...its given to us! Amen! And I can't believe how much I felt the presence of God with me going through this time of despair. People would ask me, "How are you so strong?" And I can honestly say its only because God gave me TONS of strength!

Psalm 18:32, "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."

Psalm 29:11, "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."

Isaiah 33:2, "O, Lord be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress."

Isaiah 40:31, "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint."

Lucas and I also started talking about what does this mean as far as expanding our family? Was this a genetic trait that would be passed down to furture children? Would we have any of our own children again? God knew all the answers to these questions..and already had a plan.

We found out we were pregnant again...so joy was experienced again..after a period of no joy. We had hope the whole time, but joy was not always there. I felt that God was blessing us for being faithful during hardship. Now the waiting to find out what were having. I thought for sure a girl because then we could pack up all the boy things, and not have to be reminded of the memories. Well the wait began and the prayers continued to flow...we knew the only thing to do was to trust God..he was clearly in control.

We will cling to Hope...

One of the most important things i learned following those couple of weeks, was that family is so important, and the trivial things of day to day life really don't matter, considering the large picture. It didn't even matter what I wore, what I ate, or if I even had make up on...(shocking i know), but I realized that the time I get with my kids is so precious and you never know when it will be over, so cherish EVERY minute.

Hope was the main message of Brady's memorial service. That was what we were clinging to, and we wanted others to know that, and also share with us in that hope.  In this crooked and perverse world we live in we cling to the hope we have in the Savior and creator of the world.

There were a lot of songs played that day...and I would say I'm a musical person and love music, so for me that is a way to express my emotions and feelings. If you haven't heard any of these songs I recommend looking them up online and listening.

Come to Jesus by Chris Rice

I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me
It Is Well- hymn

We had a slide show in the beginning of lots of pictures, of Brady's happy self. And the songs that played with it were: Homesick by Mercy Me, and With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman.

We then had some of the teens, from the youth group, read some scripture (look them up-they are all great!):

2 Cor. 4:16-18
1 Thes. 4:16-18
John 16:33
1 Peter 4:13-14
Luke 18:15-17
Romans 5:1-5
Psalm 34: 17-19
Psalm 9:9-10
Psalm 71:5-6
Psalm 59:16-17.

Then we sang, Blessed Be the Name of the Lord, which is based on the verse Job 1:21b, "...The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Lucas and I are clinging to hope at the moment...and I would say that this hope is initially the hope of seeing Brady again in heaven because of the faith we have in Jesus Christ...and as I get farther away from the moment, I still have that desire to see him again, however now I HOPE that Christ is glorified through my life and how we respond to this trial. We are trying to understand the big picture, and how this fits into our life, and in the immediate moment its impossible, because of the pain. However the further we get out we start to see little glimpses of how this is a part of God's bigger and perfect plan (even though that seems weird to say). An illustration we have heard, which puts it very clear, is this: picture someone pressing their nose tighly up against the glass of a painting...they can only see the brush strokes of a little portion of the masterpiece...it doesn't look like much of anything...some would say it looks quite ugly, but as you back up slowly you begin to see the bigger, more beautiful picture it will become. That is how I am hoping our story will turn out, that up close and in the moment it's not too pretty, ugly at times, but as we back up a little and live a little more life, we will see how God's hand has been in it all and He has truely had the BEST plan for us. It reminds me a little of growing up...mom and dad always had rules and said "no" to certain things...and at the time I was upset or did not understand their reasoning, but now as a parent I realize how exactly right they were, and so glad they set boundaries. I would not be the person I am today had it not been for their teaching/correction in the Lord. I know that in the end I will say, "You're right Lord that's exactly what needed to happen...I see the picture so clearly now."

Job 13:15, "Though he slay me, yet I will hope in Him; I will surely defend my ways to his face."
Psalm 147:11, "The Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love."

Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

The Littlest Angel: By Ferna Lary Mills

I’m only a small child, not much do I know.
God holds onto my hand as I look down below.
I’m here with the Father in the most beautiful place
yet I can’t feel much joy when I see your sad face.

Your heart has been broken, I can see from up here
as you struggle along and you wipe every tear.
If I only had words I could send you today
that would tell you I’m home and I’m really okay.

Heaven is beautiful with sparkles and white wings,
and the angels are teaching me so many things.
I’ll grow and mature in this Heavenly land
while holding on tightly to my Father’s soft hand.

Then one day you’ll join me in this home in the skies.
Our joy will be full with no more goodbye’s.
So don’t grieve for me now but find peace in your soul,
and know God has finally made your little one whole.

Now, even if you can’t seem to understand why,
please know in your heart that our love didn’t die.
He tells me that just for a time we must wait
and then I can meet you at Heaven’s front gate!

July 2008

This is going to be a tough story to write, and to hear on your end, however you have to know what happened in order to understand how God's strength and peace are sustaining us.

This part will begin July 4th weekend, 2008: Lucas and I had 2 beautiful boys, Aiden-3, and Brady-15 months. We had a fun-packed weekend...up at Green Pond Lake for the 4th, to PA visiting family on the 5th, church on Sunday and more fun at the lake. Then VBS began that following Monday, so the kids and I were off to help that morning. Brady came down with something that day...I thought at first it could be teething, because he had a low grade fever and was cranky. But the next morning his fever was higher and he threw up, so I was definately not going to make it to VBS...we all stayed home. The next day, Lucas was working from home and told me that he would watch Brady and for Aiden and I to go out and have some fun. So we headed to the mall (that sounds like fun to me!) In the mean-time Lucas's father had a mini-heart attack... (i guess it's mini because there was no permenant damage), and was still in the hospital coming home later that day (Wednesday). I remember saying to myself in the car on the way home from the mall, "wow I'm glad God knows how much we can handle because this week is rough, and I don't think I could handle any more (sick kid, in-law in the hospital, VBS, strife with a friend)." Wow did I say that too soon...I had NO idea what was ahead. Also the week prior I had a song that kept playing in my head, and I seemed to hear a lot on the radio; "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me. You should listen to it sometime if you have never heard it; so anyway, God brought the rain.

When I got home Lucas said that maybe we should take Brady to the Dr. because he had been sleeping all morning and hadn't really gotten up to play or do anything. So we all took him to the pediatrician. I was worried about dehydration, as well as the fever. The Dr. said to either go get fluids at the ER or go home and get him to drink more. I decided I wanted to take him then to the ER so that we would fix the issue and be home by night-time. So off we went. We handed over Aiden in the parking lot to my in-laws as they were leaving the hospital and they took him home. We waited and waited in that ER with Brady, and watched as the fluids were not perking him up at all. So we were all stumped...a little 15 month old...laying there and not caring about all the needles going into him was a little disturbing. The last test they did to try and figure it out was a spinal tap, which clearly showed infection. So they determined he had a form of meningitis. Ok...so now what? They admitted us to the PICU with strong doses of IV antibiotics. That night we didn't get much sleep...Lucas and I traded off sleeping in the room with Brady and sleeping in the Ronald McDonald room, which we were blessed to have.

Ok so I don't need to drag this part on....he was diagnosed with a RARE form of bacterial meningitis; HIB meningitis. This kind is what children are vaccinated against...so why did our little Brady get this?? Well with further research they found out he had some sort of immunodeficiency in which he did not create antibodies to this vaccine (it never worked-because of his own body, not a defect in the vaccine). So the Dr. told us we would be staying in the hospital for at least 2 weeks, to ensure he gets enough antibiotics. Ok...it was alright for a day or two and then it got hard to shower, eat and stay there all the time. However we were both dedicated to loving our little boy and getting him better! Lucas even worked there full time- he never left the hospital to work- which was amazing to have his support there. I kind of felt like I was in my own bubble, and the world was going on around me...and for me time had stopped.

So long story short we stayed there for the length that was required and finally by the end of the stay our little boy was smiling a little bit again and eating a little. We went WAY backwards folks developmentally, from running at home before he got sick to not being able to sit on his own anymore. So we were preparing for a long road ahead with therapists and needing a specialist to find out more about this immunodeficiency and what long-term care that would require. We were SO happy to be going home. We had an amazing support system, between family, friends and church. Things were going pretty well at home...it was nice to have Aiden back ( i missed him so much and felt guilty for not being with him). We went home on a Monday...and by Wednesday Brady got a little crankier. It was bath time that night so Lucas and I went up to get the kids ready. It was then that we noticed Brady's leg shaking...hmmm...so we called the pediatrician. He said its probably a localized seizure and to go back to the ER so they can check him out and make sure everything is fine.

I am not going into details of that night, but we went back...i felt sooo sick to my stomach that whole time, and Brady threw up the whole way back to the hospital. Were we really going back...or was I imagining things??? I wanted to stay home. We waited and they did more tests, CAT-scan, blood work, spinal, and things did not make much sense to the Dr.s because they were seeing much wrong. However things spiraled down from there, Brady ended up seizing non-stop and ended back in the PICU...they began CPR on him as soon as he got up to the floor...and Lucas and I moved into a private room, while they did their work on him. We waited an hour or so until we received gut-wrenching news...he was not going to make it, he was on a breathing machine, and his brain activity was next to nothing. I didn't not even know how to compose myself, as you can imagine. Its even weird to write all this down, in a way you re-live the events.

We were thankful to have our in-laws there with us, and my parents were on their way...as fast as they could. We prayed and read the Bible...through many tears and sobs...all night long. We also went in to be with him a few times...pray with him through tears and sang "Jesus loves me" one last time. I will never forget the last time I touched his sweet little hands and stared at them, hoping to never forget what they looked like; and i still remember them to this day. Our little Brady Isaiah went to be with Jesus a little before 6 am July 24th, 2008 (his 16 month birthday). That was the day my heart broke.

I do not know how we drove home that morning... God's grace. I don't want to end this blog on such a sad note...so I want to include some of the scriptures we clung to those few days after this tragic event.
Job 1:21, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return there, the LORD gave and LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Isaiah 40:31, "Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."
Romans 8:28, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."


Mark 10:14, "..."Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."

We did not understand the reasoning yet, but we were living in God's will for us at the time, and we were ok with that...trusting Him...but at the same time it hurt...a lot.

Well this is the beginning...

Hello all...this is my first of many blogs about the journey of my life...and how God has been with me every step of the way.

You have to understand I am not a writer, or one who shares my deepest thoughts or feelings with others. However God takes things like that (when we say "I would never share this with others," or "Im totally not a blogger" -which I have said multiple times in the past.) and makes us do them...the exact things we say we are not good at...why? Because then there is no way we can boast in ourselves, but we boast in God- that it is only He that could have done this through us...it's not our own strength.

1 Cor. 1:27-30, "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things- and the things that are not- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God- that is our righteousness, holiness and redemption."

I have also always said I do not have a good singing voice, so who knows I will probably end up singing on stage at some point...God has a sense of humor!

I also want to explain a little about the title I chose for this blog, "Beauty from Ashes." And no I'm not talking about physical beauty...Isaiah 61:2-3 says,"...to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who greive in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."

There is a song sung by Steven Curtis Chapman that says it all really well, and I was just going to post a section of the song, but the whole thing is good so here it is:

Beauty Will Rise:

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And i watched through the tears as everything
came crashing down
slowly panic turns to pain
as we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left behind

But buried deep beneath
all of our broken dreams
we have this hope

Out of these ashes...beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
we will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes...beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning
in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now
and let the tears come washing down
and if you can't believe, I will believe for you

Cuz I have seen the signs of spring!
Just watch and see.

I can hear it in the distance
and its not too far away
its the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
reaching for my face
to wipe the tears away and say
"It's time to make everything new."

"Make it all new."

That's most of the song..its pretty much how my life has been the past couple years..and "beauty will rise." I am pretty determined to find the purpose out of everything that has happened, and I may not know the exact reasons until I get to heaven but until then..God will be glorified and, beauty will come out of the ashes.

I feel that through my life's stories God can be glorified, which is the ultimate goal of this blog; that other's can pray for eachother, be encouraged and pray for me.

In the next blog I will share my story. Stay tuned.... :)