Beauty from Ashes

Nobody told me that the second year would be harder to go through than the first. That's because no one needed to, everyone's process is different. Last year was hard because everything was still so "raw" and it was the first Christmas without Brady, his first birthday without him, etc. But this year I have a little one year old running around that is almost the spitting image of the little boy I lost. I took Walker to his one year Dr. appointment, and as I was sitting in the waiting room I thought back about bringing Brady to the same place 2 years prior. He checked out fine too; the Dr. said he was perfect...but 3 months later that all changed. So as I sat there with Walker this past week I just realized how everything can change so quickly, and also that when I feel the fear starting to slip into my mind...I need to hand it over to the Lord right away...before it gets that foot-hold....because it can become paralyzing when I give in to it. I know that the Lord is in control and that we have the best team of Doctors following Walker's case, but sometimes my humaness gets the best of me!

Many of you have read the blog, "Bring the Rain" by Angie Smith (she is the wife of a singer in the group Selah).  It is her story of loosing a child...but I also just read her book,  I Will Carry You.  And I read through it so quickly (and if you know me I don't read through anything quickly because I don't really like to read and its hard to keep my interest) because so many of her thoughts and feelings, I had experienced before....and at certain parts I said to myself, "yes! that's exactly how I felt!" I was re-assured that others' go through these times too, and feel the same way. But in the moment you think you are the only one.

I find myself thinking sometimes what Brady would do in a certain situation or I wonder what he would be like now...but that was never intended for him here on earth.  But it blows me away to think of how huge an impact a little 16 month old can make in the world...and he could barely talk...let alone make a difference in the terms of how we often think. But every now and then I hear an example of how he or his story has made a difference in someone else's life, which gives me great encouragement and often keeps me going...through the daily sorrow/joy we still experience.  I thank the Lord for those little glimpses of the purpose he had for Brady and for us through all of this.

2 cor 2:14- "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him."

Cute story from the past week- I wear a necklace with 3 hearts on it, and I recently told Aiden that they were for my 3 boys...and we have also been singing patty cake a lot with Walker, because he loves doing all the motions. So Sunday we went for a walk and Luke stopped to talk with the neighbors, and Aiden started singing patty cake with Walker, and he said, "roll it, pat it, and mark it with an A, B and W and throw it in the oven for all of us! Aiden, Brady and Walker!!" I thought that was so cute, and am reminded that Aiden completely remembers him and knows where he is and will never forget! :) It brings me joy.