This is the worst I will ever know... :) yeehaw

So as Christmas approaches I always feel like something is missing, which it is...but I try to make the most of the family I do have now, and the circumstances from which God has brought me. It makes me think about all the things in life that happen, that stink. Even the little things of everyday to the bigger things that have made us who we are....and I realize that THIS is the worst (hell) I will ever know. I hope and pray for everyone around me and reading this that this is the worst hell you will know too (because I would hate for it to get worse for anyone), and that you know Jesus as your Savior.
It wont get worse than this life here on earth because I have a Savior who will take me to paradise someday, and that makes me realize how silly my bad days are here and to be thankful that this is as bad as its going to be. It makes me excited and hopeful as I think of a day with no more tears, pain, sadness, sickness, fighting, loss, anger, biterness, materialism, gossip, financial stress, etc. And just the thought of this makes me get through those hard times...in perspective they are petty, because I serve an awesome and huge God that will wipe all those things away. I gotta keep focused on the prize...

I'm thankful...

A verse that I have been meditating on recently is found in 2 Samuel 7:18, "Who am I, Sovereign lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?"


And this is truely how I have felt even before studying this verse in our David Bible study, by Beth Moore. I feel so humbled and honored that God decided to bring us this far, given our circumstances.  Luke and I say to eachother ALL the time, "We would never be at this place with the Lord had it not been for the death of our sweet Brady." I would never want to go back to that time, but am so thankful that we have come so far, only by the grace of God.  So as hard as that is to go through, it produces perseverance and character that would not have come about.  Who am I... that He would show so much peace and grace to me? I don't deserve that, but He loves me so much to carry us through hard times, in no other way possible.

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. " Romans 5:3-5

I have been reading through Mary Beth Chapman's book the past few weeks, about their story of loosing their daughter, and it brings back so many real thoughts and feelings. And even though all of our stories are different, they are all quite similar. I guess that is the process of grief.  And also the way God carries us through our trials...because he is  God of love, peace, strength, grace, and healing. 

So in light of thanksgiving, right around the corner, I wanted to say I am thankful for the circumstances I have gone through, because I have a deeper love for Christ than ever before! God is good!

New Beginnings

WOW! Its been forever since I wrote on this blog....but I had some much needed time off...time of reflection, and time of growing. You know that saying, "two steps forward, one step back." Well thats exactly how last year has felt.

Where to start? I figured I would just give an update on our family for now. We have welcomed a new little boy to the clan...Lincoln Kade. He is just the sweetest and I love this stage so much. He was born on May 1, 2011. Thankfully we were home and in the swing of things to celebrate Walker's 2nd birthday which was on May 6th. We will get to combine birthday parties in the future...at least for friends and the big family, but will always do something special for each one as an intimate family!

Medical update from CHOP. Walker was cleared medically for his Hib titers last June, 2010. Not sure if I mentioned it then, however when we went back in November his levels were low again, making him not protective against Hib. So we repeated the shot and waited for more blood work. Had it repeated a couple times since then and just in June 2011 it was up again to the protective level! Praise the Lord! He remained on antibiotics the whole time though just to prevent him from getting the disease. The Dr. we are working with is awesome!!!! but she did say there is no right or wrong thing to do here, keep him on antibiotics or not. And basically I told her, " well i can keep him in a bubble, or let him be a kid and put him on antibiotics!" She agreed! (btw: I talked at length with them about becoming resistant to antibiotcs and what the long term side effects would be of his long treatment, and she basically said there are less side effects to being on it every day for years, then if he were to go on and come off a lot for infections)

Lincoln's first round of blood work looked great! So now we are waiting for him to have more vaccines and recheck those levels sometime this winter.

I really feel at peace through all of this, because as I have learned God is completely in control of our lives and worrying about it changes nothing but my attitude for the day.

I am really learning a lot about my relationship with the Lord as well. I've really been digging into the Bible for answers to questions I have never thought twice about before, mostly because I just believed what I was taught in school, church or at home. So its totally exciting to grow and really know what I believe. And I am also learning HUGE things in parenting!! Some the hard way of course but I pray that I can get a grasp on how God wants me to raise my boys before I run the other way. Aiden is in kindergarten this year, and that alone is opening up issues I didn't think I would have to deal with this early.

I am also learning about contentment, as that is ongoing. Our plans and thoughts about the future may not be a part of God's plan for us no matter how great it sounds in our heads. We are also learning this the hard way too. We will be let down, dissappointed, hurt, discouraged, by this world and the people in it, but God will never let us down and that has to happen sometimes for His will to be accomplished....something I've known forever, but again when going through trials He reminds me again.

Ok that was enough of a basic outline to the year. Please pray for me as I have some huge things God is asking of me, and I pray I will obey Him. Thanks! And I promise it wont be another year til I write again :)