I love summer. I love everything about going to the beach, being outside, spending time with family, friends and my children. But the past 2 years July has not been a good month. In 2008 Brady was in and out of the hospital most of the month and then on the 24th our journey with him ended. Then last year, 2009, I ended up in the emergency room with a migrane and stroke-like symptoms. I was in the same emergency room that we took Brady to, only a few days prior to the 24th (the anniversary of his passing). It was sureal to me as I walked in, remembering the year before and how it changed our lives forever. I even ended up in the same CAT scan machine as he was in...which was hard (I turned out fine..it was simply a migrane). Even though it was painful I felt some sort of connection I guess as time was getting farther and farther away. The pain is not as intense, however part of me hates to get farther away from the event because I don't remember it as well, and I want to remember every little detail about Brady, and never forget. I think I also slip back into some sort of weakened emotional state in July...can that really happen? My body knows when it's July, and I loose control? I just feel the ups and downs of life, that normally don't bother me at all. I get overlly worried about things that normally dont worry me, and I guess part of that is also that Walker is the exact age of Brady when he got sick, but I also think part of that is my body knows the cycle of a year...and perhaps every year at this time it will be a little bittersweet. It also doesn't help when it's rainy...but I know we need the rain.
I think I need a plan for July, so that when it comes around I'm prepared for what's going to happen. Not that I'm trying to ignore what's happening, but maybe purposefully changing my thoughts could help. I think it's altogether part of the grieving process, but the fear that creeps in is not. And I would love to remember him in a happy way and not so much by the trip to the hospital. Maybe going through the book of Isaiah would help during this time...how ironic (or God) that his middle name was Isaiah! The comfort that God gives His people is AMAZING...and I need to take hold of that. He is faithful all the time...for he cannot deny himself.
Psalm 33:4, "For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does."
2 Thessalonians 3:3, "But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one."
2 Timothy 2:13, "if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself."
Hebrews 10:23, "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
I am very thankful however, that we have lots of plans and fun things for this month and the whole summer. That helps time go by quicker and also gives me something to look forward to. Well..its a sunny day today so I feel more hopeful...I'm off to the beach...my little piece of heaven, here on earth. (Isn't it awesome that God calls earth His footstool, compared to heaven...I can't even imagine how sweet it will be up there! Party!)
Kate, I am thinking of you and praying for you this month and OFTEN! I really do think there is something about a broken heart and pain that resurfaces on anniversaries.
ReplyDeleteHow awesome though, that our God knows our hearts, thoughts and pain in advance and meets us where we are? Love you.
Kate, I will continue to remember you in prayer especially this month. I can't even imagine what this anniversary brings back but I will pray that this year will be different and that joy, hope and love will abound during this month more than any other months!! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteKate, as I was looking through your recent pics on FB I was really praying for you as I know that July is bittersweet for you. I have been and will continue to pray for you my friend. Love you.
ReplyDeleteHi Kate. I found your blog via your facebook link. I can't even begin to imagine the hurt and pain of losing a child. I pray that the Lord would continue to give you peace during the rough times and fullness of joy in your journey. :)
ReplyDeleteKate, I think our bodies are so keenly in tune to our sensory experiences. You know just how quickly a smell can trigger a memory. So it doesn't surprise me that you feel a bit up and down during this season.
ReplyDeleteI pray for peace and hope as you continue to overcome. I don't think there is a loss greater than what you and Lucas have experienced. It is evident in your words and in your lives just how faithful God is.
Kate, I just wanted you to know that we will be praying for peace during these next few weeks for you all. I can still remember the day I heard about your loss, my heart ached for you all. I know the pain of losing our little Brenham and we didn't have all the months of memories with him as you did with Brady. Some things are so difficult in this life, I'm so glad we have a God who supplies more than we can even imagine. I'm praying that God will bring to your mind a special way to remember him that you could look forward to. Love & prayers! ~ Jan Lubbers
ReplyDeleteJuly, too, rings bitter at times for me. Last year, a family friend died of cancer at 35 years old...and this year, just days ago, a close family friend and neighbor died of cancer at 61...And, I'm never home for the support. And, when I was home, ironically, that is when I heard about Brady and wished so much to be back in New Jersey! I'm praying for you guys and I do love that verse where we are to "rejoice with those rejoicing and to sorrow with those that are hurting... Here's to a far away hug, many tears and a Love that we know only comes from God.
ReplyDeleteThat note is from Rachel, not Camlon, although, we both feel the same way! :)
ReplyDeleteLove, Rachel