So as a mother..I began from day one praying for my children (as I'm sure many of you have done)...for who they would one day marry...who they would become...that they would serve Jesus Christ all of their life...etc. But as you're praying that you never think that they won't get married or won't live long enough to know who Jesus is...but that's what we experienced. So now looking back on my prayers for Brady...were those wasted prayers? He never even fulfilled what I was praying for? God knew from day one that he wouldn't fulfill any of them. But obviously that wasn't his purpose here on earth either, and only God knew that. So I do think it's ok to still pray for your children...and I continue to do so, however now I tend to pray that their lives would reflect Christ...and everything would be His will. I also pray very specifically for them in the future, but I realize now that God answers prayers sometimes differently then we expect...and it's all in His will.

Psalm 54:2, "Hear my prayer, O God; listen to the words of my mouth."
And He does hear us when we pray....EVERY word.

So like I mentioned in the previous post, we found out we were pregnant. Anxiously waiting to find out what we were having...not that it mattered girl or boy, but we needed to follow up with our immunologist and devise a plan for this baby. If Brady had an immunodefiency that was genetic...we could have a 50% chance of passing on to any future boys. However if we had a girl, she would not have the disorder but could potentially be a carrier. So we would definately be relieved if it was indeed a girl.
So I was tested to see if this was genetic...trusting and praying the whole waiting peroid that this was a part of God's plan no matter the outcome. I was totally calm!
It was NOT genetic...praise God!
I also mentioned before that if we had a girl i thought it would be easier because I could pack up all the boy things, and not have to be reminded as much of our sweet little Brady. Luke had mentioned however that a boy would be better because then it would blur the memories just a little, between the boys, so it wouldn't be so hard. So I guess we were ok with whatever and only God knew what was best for us.
We found out we were having a boy...and to be honest I was shocked! Are you sure? Can you check again? Haha...I was like, "ok God you must know this is best!"
I still re-decorated the room, and was fortunate to receive lots of hand-me-downs from cousins so I did not need to dig out Brady's old clothes, that reminded me so much of him.
All we could do regarding the medical issues, was wait now until he was born and have blood work done on him as soon as he arrived. And pray for his health!

Now this part is neat! I can remember that in the days and weeks to follow Brady's death, that I repeatedly prayed for God to "bring him back." In my sadness and desperation, that was my cry to the Lord. And today looking at Walker (our 10 month old now), I can say that God DID bring him back (in the only way physically possible)...when He blessed us with Walker. Walker is different and special in his own way, and we will always have that void where Brady once was, however I look at him and realize that God answered my prayer and brought him back to me. They look very similar...more so than Aiden did to either of them. And their personalities are so very similar...its nice to have that back. We will forever miss Brady, but are so very thankful for the glimpse we still have of him in our little Walker.

Ok so one final closing thought and song...singing worship songs at church was a little hard for a while..and most of the time I just stood there and sang them in my heart, (holding back the tears)...not outwardly. But the most difficult song for me to sing was, In Christ Alone. Im still not sure exactly why...i can't even say that the lyrics pertain to what I went through, but it's such a powerful song, and God moved me as I listened. Maybe it's because it has to do with Christ's death and how He was glorified through his death, and what a victorious resurrection came out of His death...and that Jesus commands our destiny; here are the words:

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:

Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

God will bring healing...

Aiden's 3rd birthday was 3 days after Brady's service. It was a little difficult to be happy with Aiden and still mourn the loss of his brother. But Aiden needed some quality mom and dad time, which was nice to spend with him! Lucas took some time off work, a month, so that we could be together as a family and do a little traveling. Sitting home would be harder we decided...not that either was easy...going to visit family and friends was not easy either, but we decided it was best for us.

We received a few "love" packages in the mail from friends (thank you!) and they included a devotional, "Streams in the Desert," by L.B. Cowman. It was exactly what we needed and I highly recommend this for everyone...even going through daily trials that life brings. Anyway, each day I read, it was exactly what I needed for that day...God is good. One of the devotionals that really impacted me at the time was based on Ecc. 11:3, "If clouds are full of water, they pour rain upon the earth." Doesn't mean much there, but after reading the devo it made more sense to me. Here is one paragraph from that devo:

"How can we have rain without clouds? Our troubles have always brought up blessings, and they always will, for they are the dark chariots of God's bright and glorious grace. Before long the clouds will be emptied, and every tender plant will be happier due to the showers. Our God may drench us with grief, but He will refresh us with His mercy. Our Lord's love letters oftern come to us in dark envelopes...So let us not worry about the clouds. Instead, let us sing because May flowers are brought to us through April clouds and showers."

It was very hard at first, but I am now focusing on what God wants for me out of this circumstance instead of dwelling on the storm itself; that does nobody any good.

I think as a Christian its easy to say that God gives us peace and strength...but until I was in the place when I needed it most...I can truely say He gives us exactly the amount we need! When we need more peace and strength...its given to us! Amen! And I can't believe how much I felt the presence of God with me going through this time of despair. People would ask me, "How are you so strong?" And I can honestly say its only because God gave me TONS of strength!

Psalm 18:32, "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."

Psalm 29:11, "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."

Isaiah 33:2, "O, Lord be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress."

Isaiah 40:31, "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint."

Lucas and I also started talking about what does this mean as far as expanding our family? Was this a genetic trait that would be passed down to furture children? Would we have any of our own children again? God knew all the answers to these questions..and already had a plan.

We found out we were pregnant again...so joy was experienced again..after a period of no joy. We had hope the whole time, but joy was not always there. I felt that God was blessing us for being faithful during hardship. Now the waiting to find out what were having. I thought for sure a girl because then we could pack up all the boy things, and not have to be reminded of the memories. Well the wait began and the prayers continued to flow...we knew the only thing to do was to trust God..he was clearly in control.

We will cling to Hope...

One of the most important things i learned following those couple of weeks, was that family is so important, and the trivial things of day to day life really don't matter, considering the large picture. It didn't even matter what I wore, what I ate, or if I even had make up on...(shocking i know), but I realized that the time I get with my kids is so precious and you never know when it will be over, so cherish EVERY minute.

Hope was the main message of Brady's memorial service. That was what we were clinging to, and we wanted others to know that, and also share with us in that hope.  In this crooked and perverse world we live in we cling to the hope we have in the Savior and creator of the world.

There were a lot of songs played that day...and I would say I'm a musical person and love music, so for me that is a way to express my emotions and feelings. If you haven't heard any of these songs I recommend looking them up online and listening.

Come to Jesus by Chris Rice

I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me
It Is Well- hymn

We had a slide show in the beginning of lots of pictures, of Brady's happy self. And the songs that played with it were: Homesick by Mercy Me, and With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman.

We then had some of the teens, from the youth group, read some scripture (look them up-they are all great!):

2 Cor. 4:16-18
1 Thes. 4:16-18
John 16:33
1 Peter 4:13-14
Luke 18:15-17
Romans 5:1-5
Psalm 34: 17-19
Psalm 9:9-10
Psalm 71:5-6
Psalm 59:16-17.

Then we sang, Blessed Be the Name of the Lord, which is based on the verse Job 1:21b, "...The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Lucas and I are clinging to hope at the moment...and I would say that this hope is initially the hope of seeing Brady again in heaven because of the faith we have in Jesus Christ...and as I get farther away from the moment, I still have that desire to see him again, however now I HOPE that Christ is glorified through my life and how we respond to this trial. We are trying to understand the big picture, and how this fits into our life, and in the immediate moment its impossible, because of the pain. However the further we get out we start to see little glimpses of how this is a part of God's bigger and perfect plan (even though that seems weird to say). An illustration we have heard, which puts it very clear, is this: picture someone pressing their nose tighly up against the glass of a painting...they can only see the brush strokes of a little portion of the masterpiece...it doesn't look like much of anything...some would say it looks quite ugly, but as you back up slowly you begin to see the bigger, more beautiful picture it will become. That is how I am hoping our story will turn out, that up close and in the moment it's not too pretty, ugly at times, but as we back up a little and live a little more life, we will see how God's hand has been in it all and He has truely had the BEST plan for us. It reminds me a little of growing up...mom and dad always had rules and said "no" to certain things...and at the time I was upset or did not understand their reasoning, but now as a parent I realize how exactly right they were, and so glad they set boundaries. I would not be the person I am today had it not been for their teaching/correction in the Lord. I know that in the end I will say, "You're right Lord that's exactly what needed to happen...I see the picture so clearly now."

Job 13:15, "Though he slay me, yet I will hope in Him; I will surely defend my ways to his face."
Psalm 147:11, "The Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love."

Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

The Littlest Angel: By Ferna Lary Mills

I’m only a small child, not much do I know.
God holds onto my hand as I look down below.
I’m here with the Father in the most beautiful place
yet I can’t feel much joy when I see your sad face.

Your heart has been broken, I can see from up here
as you struggle along and you wipe every tear.
If I only had words I could send you today
that would tell you I’m home and I’m really okay.

Heaven is beautiful with sparkles and white wings,
and the angels are teaching me so many things.
I’ll grow and mature in this Heavenly land
while holding on tightly to my Father’s soft hand.

Then one day you’ll join me in this home in the skies.
Our joy will be full with no more goodbye’s.
So don’t grieve for me now but find peace in your soul,
and know God has finally made your little one whole.

Now, even if you can’t seem to understand why,
please know in your heart that our love didn’t die.
He tells me that just for a time we must wait
and then I can meet you at Heaven’s front gate!