Nobody told me that the second year would be harder to go through than the first. That's because no one needed to, everyone's process is different. Last year was hard because everything was still so "raw" and it was the first Christmas without Brady, his first birthday without him, etc. But this year I have a little one year old running around that is almost the spitting image of the little boy I lost. I took Walker to his one year Dr. appointment, and as I was sitting in the waiting room I thought back about bringing Brady to the same place 2 years prior. He checked out fine too; the Dr. said he was perfect...but 3 months later that all changed. So as I sat there with Walker this past week I just realized how everything can change so quickly, and also that when I feel the fear starting to slip into my mind...I need to hand it over to the Lord right away...before it gets that foot-hold....because it can become paralyzing when I give in to it. I know that the Lord is in control and that we have the best team of Doctors following Walker's case, but sometimes my humaness gets the best of me!

Many of you have read the blog, "Bring the Rain" by Angie Smith (she is the wife of a singer in the group Selah).  It is her story of loosing a child...but I also just read her book,  I Will Carry You.  And I read through it so quickly (and if you know me I don't read through anything quickly because I don't really like to read and its hard to keep my interest) because so many of her thoughts and feelings, I had experienced before....and at certain parts I said to myself, "yes! that's exactly how I felt!" I was re-assured that others' go through these times too, and feel the same way. But in the moment you think you are the only one.

I find myself thinking sometimes what Brady would do in a certain situation or I wonder what he would be like now...but that was never intended for him here on earth.  But it blows me away to think of how huge an impact a little 16 month old can make in the world...and he could barely talk...let alone make a difference in the terms of how we often think. But every now and then I hear an example of how he or his story has made a difference in someone else's life, which gives me great encouragement and often keeps me going...through the daily sorrow/joy we still experience.  I thank the Lord for those little glimpses of the purpose he had for Brady and for us through all of this.

2 cor 2:14- "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him."

Cute story from the past week- I wear a necklace with 3 hearts on it, and I recently told Aiden that they were for my 3 boys...and we have also been singing patty cake a lot with Walker, because he loves doing all the motions. So Sunday we went for a walk and Luke stopped to talk with the neighbors, and Aiden started singing patty cake with Walker, and he said, "roll it, pat it, and mark it with an A, B and W and throw it in the oven for all of us! Aiden, Brady and Walker!!" I thought that was so cute, and am reminded that Aiden completely remembers him and knows where he is and will never forget! :) It brings me joy.

Homesickness...

I have been reading through a book called, The Prodigal God, by Timothy Keller, and have come to a topic that I can relate to so well, as I'm sure many of you can. He begins talking about how each of us has a powerful influence of "home" in our lives. I am going to quote the book a lot, because he clearly explains it the best!

" "Home" exercises a powerful influence over human life...Many of us have fond memories of times, people, and places where we felt we were truly home. However, if we ever have the opportunity to get back to  the places we remember so fondly, we are usually disappointed....Home, then, is a powerful but elusive concept. The strong feelings that surround it reveal some deep longing within us for a place that absolutely fits and suits us, where we can be, or perhaps find, our true selves. Yet it seems that no real place or actual family ever satisfies these yearnings, though many situations arouse them...Many people of the church have shared with me how disappointing Christmas and Thanksgiving are to them. They prepare for the holidays hoping that, finally, this year, the gathering of family at that important place will deliver the experience of warmth, joy, comfort, and love that they want from it. But these events almost always fail, crushed under the weight of our impossible expectations."

Now I don't want you all to think that I don't have wonderful family holidays, or am let down all the time, because I'm not!! But I completely have had the feeling before of preparing for something so much that by the time it comes around and is gone, i feel like saying, "that was it!?" There is so much preparation and expectations on something that we are bound to be let down by it. But the main point he goes on to make about all this is that we all have some sort of "spiritual homesickness."

Back to the book, "In the beginning of the book of Genesis we learn the reason why all people feel like exiles, like we aren't really home. We are told that we were created to live in the garden of God. That was the world we were built for, a place in which there was no parting from love, no decay or disease. It was all these things because it was life before the face of God, in his presence. There we were to adore and serve his infinite majesty, and to know, enjoy and reflect his infinite beauty. That was our original home, the true country we were made for...The Bible says that we have been wandering as spiritual exiles ever since. That is, we have been living in a world that no longer fits our deepest longings. Though we long for bodies that "run and are not weary," we have become subject to disease, aging, and death. Though we long to make a difference in the world through our work, we experience endless frustration...Jesus had not come to simply deliver one nation from political oppression, but to save all of us from sin, evil, and death itself. He came to bring the human race Home. Therefore He didnot come in strength but in weakness. He came and experienced the exile that we deserved...He took upon himself the full curse of human rebellion, cosmic homelessness, so that we could be welcomed into our true home."

So sorry to carry that on...but this book is so good and explains it so well. That concept tied in really well of Walker's birthday...I prepared so long for it and believe me had so much fun, but by the time the party comes and goes...it goes by so fast! And at the end you have a let-down, because you are physically tired and the fact that it's over. But it makes me happy to know that Christ came and died for me so that one day I will be Home, with him, and the party will never end!

We did have a blast this weekend celebrating Walker's birthday with family and friends and celebrating mother's day, with both moms! We truly feel blessed!

Revelation 21:4, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain- for the old order of things has passed away."

We have hope!

Walker is turning 1!

Well this weekend we get to celebrate Walker's 1st birthday...and boy are we going to party! We have so much to celebrate and be thankful for. I am so blessed to be his mommy and thankful every day for God giving him to us!

James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

This year has been hard approaching Walker's first birthday, primarily because he reminds me so much of Brady, and he is also getting to the age where I remember Brady the most...and they are so similar. I find so much joy in watching Walker play and walk around because in a way I can remember the things I enjoyed the most about Brady...I catch myself at times, because I even try to call him Brady, even though he is so much his own little man! So it is bitter-sweet at times; I think this spring I have found myself thinking about Brady much more than last year, but it is with joy I remember him. I also find myself praying to God to give me the strength and take away the anxiety I have as Walker approaches the age that Brady was. I have so much to celebrate now, and believe me we enjoy every little moment here in the VanDerPloog household...so i will post pictures next week of our week long celebration!

2 Corinthians 9:8, "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

Psalm 28:7, "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song."

Psalm 126:3, "The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy."