Nobody told me that the second year would be harder to go through than the first. That's because no one needed to, everyone's process is different. Last year was hard because everything was still so "raw" and it was the first Christmas without Brady, his first birthday without him, etc. But this year I have a little one year old running around that is almost the spitting image of the little boy I lost. I took Walker to his one year Dr. appointment, and as I was sitting in the waiting room I thought back about bringing Brady to the same place 2 years prior. He checked out fine too; the Dr. said he was perfect...but 3 months later that all changed. So as I sat there with Walker this past week I just realized how everything can change so quickly, and also that when I feel the fear starting to slip into my mind...I need to hand it over to the Lord right away...before it gets that foot-hold....because it can become paralyzing when I give in to it. I know that the Lord is in control and that we have the best team of Doctors following Walker's case, but sometimes my humaness gets the best of me!

Many of you have read the blog, "Bring the Rain" by Angie Smith (she is the wife of a singer in the group Selah).  It is her story of loosing a child...but I also just read her book,  I Will Carry You.  And I read through it so quickly (and if you know me I don't read through anything quickly because I don't really like to read and its hard to keep my interest) because so many of her thoughts and feelings, I had experienced before....and at certain parts I said to myself, "yes! that's exactly how I felt!" I was re-assured that others' go through these times too, and feel the same way. But in the moment you think you are the only one.

I find myself thinking sometimes what Brady would do in a certain situation or I wonder what he would be like now...but that was never intended for him here on earth.  But it blows me away to think of how huge an impact a little 16 month old can make in the world...and he could barely talk...let alone make a difference in the terms of how we often think. But every now and then I hear an example of how he or his story has made a difference in someone else's life, which gives me great encouragement and often keeps me going...through the daily sorrow/joy we still experience.  I thank the Lord for those little glimpses of the purpose he had for Brady and for us through all of this.

2 cor 2:14- "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him."

Cute story from the past week- I wear a necklace with 3 hearts on it, and I recently told Aiden that they were for my 3 boys...and we have also been singing patty cake a lot with Walker, because he loves doing all the motions. So Sunday we went for a walk and Luke stopped to talk with the neighbors, and Aiden started singing patty cake with Walker, and he said, "roll it, pat it, and mark it with an A, B and W and throw it in the oven for all of us! Aiden, Brady and Walker!!" I thought that was so cute, and am reminded that Aiden completely remembers him and knows where he is and will never forget! :) It brings me joy.

Homesickness...

I have been reading through a book called, The Prodigal God, by Timothy Keller, and have come to a topic that I can relate to so well, as I'm sure many of you can. He begins talking about how each of us has a powerful influence of "home" in our lives. I am going to quote the book a lot, because he clearly explains it the best!

" "Home" exercises a powerful influence over human life...Many of us have fond memories of times, people, and places where we felt we were truly home. However, if we ever have the opportunity to get back to  the places we remember so fondly, we are usually disappointed....Home, then, is a powerful but elusive concept. The strong feelings that surround it reveal some deep longing within us for a place that absolutely fits and suits us, where we can be, or perhaps find, our true selves. Yet it seems that no real place or actual family ever satisfies these yearnings, though many situations arouse them...Many people of the church have shared with me how disappointing Christmas and Thanksgiving are to them. They prepare for the holidays hoping that, finally, this year, the gathering of family at that important place will deliver the experience of warmth, joy, comfort, and love that they want from it. But these events almost always fail, crushed under the weight of our impossible expectations."

Now I don't want you all to think that I don't have wonderful family holidays, or am let down all the time, because I'm not!! But I completely have had the feeling before of preparing for something so much that by the time it comes around and is gone, i feel like saying, "that was it!?" There is so much preparation and expectations on something that we are bound to be let down by it. But the main point he goes on to make about all this is that we all have some sort of "spiritual homesickness."

Back to the book, "In the beginning of the book of Genesis we learn the reason why all people feel like exiles, like we aren't really home. We are told that we were created to live in the garden of God. That was the world we were built for, a place in which there was no parting from love, no decay or disease. It was all these things because it was life before the face of God, in his presence. There we were to adore and serve his infinite majesty, and to know, enjoy and reflect his infinite beauty. That was our original home, the true country we were made for...The Bible says that we have been wandering as spiritual exiles ever since. That is, we have been living in a world that no longer fits our deepest longings. Though we long for bodies that "run and are not weary," we have become subject to disease, aging, and death. Though we long to make a difference in the world through our work, we experience endless frustration...Jesus had not come to simply deliver one nation from political oppression, but to save all of us from sin, evil, and death itself. He came to bring the human race Home. Therefore He didnot come in strength but in weakness. He came and experienced the exile that we deserved...He took upon himself the full curse of human rebellion, cosmic homelessness, so that we could be welcomed into our true home."

So sorry to carry that on...but this book is so good and explains it so well. That concept tied in really well of Walker's birthday...I prepared so long for it and believe me had so much fun, but by the time the party comes and goes...it goes by so fast! And at the end you have a let-down, because you are physically tired and the fact that it's over. But it makes me happy to know that Christ came and died for me so that one day I will be Home, with him, and the party will never end!

We did have a blast this weekend celebrating Walker's birthday with family and friends and celebrating mother's day, with both moms! We truly feel blessed!

Revelation 21:4, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain- for the old order of things has passed away."

We have hope!

Walker is turning 1!

Well this weekend we get to celebrate Walker's 1st birthday...and boy are we going to party! We have so much to celebrate and be thankful for. I am so blessed to be his mommy and thankful every day for God giving him to us!

James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

This year has been hard approaching Walker's first birthday, primarily because he reminds me so much of Brady, and he is also getting to the age where I remember Brady the most...and they are so similar. I find so much joy in watching Walker play and walk around because in a way I can remember the things I enjoyed the most about Brady...I catch myself at times, because I even try to call him Brady, even though he is so much his own little man! So it is bitter-sweet at times; I think this spring I have found myself thinking about Brady much more than last year, but it is with joy I remember him. I also find myself praying to God to give me the strength and take away the anxiety I have as Walker approaches the age that Brady was. I have so much to celebrate now, and believe me we enjoy every little moment here in the VanDerPloog household...so i will post pictures next week of our week long celebration!

2 Corinthians 9:8, "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

Psalm 28:7, "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song."

Psalm 126:3, "The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy."

Recent struggles...

So recently I heard that God gives us strength and grace when we need it most. And I would say that it's been obvious that He gave it to me when I needed it most, almost 2 years ago. That is the only way to explain what we have experienced...that we have survived because of God's grace alone. But that means that doubt and fear will creep in and try to make us stumble during our day to day lives. I have totally seen this lately in my own life. God sustained me completely during the hardest times of my life, no doubt, and He still sustains me now, but it's easier for me to get caught up in fear now, more than ever. I see myself sometimes dwelling on what could happen to me or my children or even with day to day events, when really I should surrender it all to God, and like He commands more than any other thing in the Bible, "Do not fear." He has proven faithful in the past, and He is always faithful, but why can't I remember that every day? the enemy knows exactly what we fear the most and he uses that too draw us away from Christ. So take a stand and turn away from fear, and trust in the Lord.

Sometimes as humans too, we rely on physical things, or people to fulfill our needs rather than relying on Christ to fulfill our every need. That is so easy to do, whether it's a friend to talk to and get advice from (instead of immediately turning to prayer and the Bible), or relying on our husbands and children to get the love and acceptance we need as people (Christ loves us unconditionally). So the past few weeks these are issues I am finding myself working through...first to NOT FEAR, and also to let Christ fulfill my needs, rather than being let down by humans (because that will be a constant); Christ will never let me down.

Isaiah 49:16, "Behold I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me."

1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

I also have come to the realization that I am "honored" that God has allowed us to expereience what we have, because I know that it is for His glory.  And if even one person comes to Christ through what we have experienced then it was all worth it; I feel blessed that God has used us in such a way. It makes me love Him even more, because I know how much He loves me, and carries me through tough times. But He has a grand plan and as I begin to see little pieces fit together, I'm in awe of His majesty and power.

God gave His one and only son for us on the cross, and I got a little glimpse of what it means to "give" a son, not that we were given an option. So yes we have been blessed with 2 other sons, but I can't imagine what it would be like to loose an only son. Plus another difference is that Christ was without sin, and still died for us. We definately have sin in our world today and therefore we will all die someday. But it makes me realize again how much God loves me because of Him sacrificing his one, and only son, to save us. Wow!

Pslam 104:1, "Praise the Lord, O my soul. O Lord my God, you are very great; you are clothed with spledor and majesty."

Update on Walker...

Hi all! So I expressed to all you my concern, as we found out we were having another boy, regarding the medical issues we had with Brady. So the only thing we could while I was prego with Walker was to find out if it was genetic, by testing my blood, and waiting to have Walker's blood tested when he was born. Thank the Lord that my test came out fine, not genetic!! So chances are Brady's immunodeficiency was a fluke (1 in a mil type of thing)- but obviously part of God's plan from the beginning.

So Walker arrived on May 6th (it's almost his first birthday!!) and his blood was tested. The first round of tests came back great (basic CBC), but we were waiting for more tests of his immune system, which took a while to get back. Finally after calling and waiting and calling and waiting, we found out that one of his values was a little off...he had a low count of B-cells (which is part of the immune system and aids in making antibodies against antigens). So...the only thing to do at this point was wait and re-take his blood a couple months down the road. And it was best for me to keep nursing...that way he gets my antibodies, and is protected longer than if he was on formula.

Walker had more blood work at 6 months and his b-cell count was great!! Praise God! However, his IgG count was low. Ugh...I just wanted an all around good report. But I also realized that many kids could have these issues and never find out about it because they don't get blood work every few months! So I was optimistic. This was the only low value, he was developing anti-bodies to his vaccines, which was something that Brady didn't do very well. So again, I was encouraged. The Dr. decided to put him on antibiotics, prophylactically to prevent him from getting any serious infections (until we could do more testing-and they are trying to play it safe for our circumstance). So since the beginning of December 2009 he has been on Amoxicillin twice a day, which he takes like a champ. We went back for blood work at 9 months and his count was the same, low.  So we remain on antibiotics, and he will be tested again after his first birthday. We are going to CHOP (Children's Hospital of Philadelphia) for all his Dr. appointments and blood work.  The head of immunology, Dr. Orange and his fellow, Dr. Forbes have been following our case and have been fabulous to work with!

I asked Dr. Orange how this low IgG count would manifest itself in a child, and he told me that a child with this low value might be seen in the Dr. office several times for re-curring ear infections, colds, etc. So it seemed minor infections were a result. Walker has never had an ear infection, only several colds this winter, which could have been due to his low IgG. But I feel safe because he is on antibiotcs for the time being. Dr. Orange also said that they wouldn't diagnose this an immunodeficiency until age 4, if he still has this issue. Until that age it could just be that his immune system is taking a slower time developing his IgG. So we are praying that soon (before 4) he makes his own! :)

I wanted to give everyone an abbreviated update, because I'm sure some of you were wondering what ever happened to all of Walker's testing, and also so you could pray for him and us as we continue to wait and re-visit the Doctors! Thanks for all your support, we are truely grateful and love all of you!

I have prayed lots for Aiden since everything has happened for several reasons. At first I felt so bad he had to go through the death of a brother and playmate. He didn't necessarily react in a bad way, but as his mother, I felt really bad for him...probably since I was feeling down I thought he would be too. He also has such a sweet personality that desires to be around other people...for example he won't go into our playroom (which is right off of the fam room and kitchen) to play by himself. He would rather be right next to me in the kitchen. He is also fine if he has a friend over...he will play in there. So one thing that drastically changed at first was he stopped going in his playroom to play. He had been playing in there very well ever since Brady was crawling...because as long as Brady was in there Aiden would play in there too. I guess he likes bodies around, they didn't really have to be playing together. So anyway, that was one thing I noticed right off the bat...Aiden missed his playmate.

Another reason I think I prayed so hard for Aiden was that I guess I was worried for his health and safety. For the few weeks and months after Brady's passing, I feel like I put Aiden in a bubble; I didn't want anything to happen to him. I am not typically a worried mother. My kids get sick and I thought I was very capable at home...of course I took them to the Dr. if something else was wrong, but colds, and fevers never worried me until this. I guess considering the circumstances it was understandable to react this way. But I couldn't take my eyes off of Aiden and had to be by his side. I guess I let anxiety set in and I was afraid of losing him too.

And then I was praying that Aiden wouldn't feel the sadness that his parents felt. I was hoping to put on a good face for him so that he would have my best and not feel neglected. It was ok to be sad...but did not want that to take over, and prevent me from becoming a good mother to him. I had so many mixed feelings regarding being the mother to Aiden after everything happened. I wanted the best for him so much, but felt I couldn't give it to him at the time...whether it was a playmate or happy, strong mother.
I thank the Lord for Walker, our little angel, because Aiden is playing in the playroom again...a little! :) I know God is good and in control but that was one of the hardest things to deal with losing Brady, was that Aiden lost his little brother (who was 19 months younger).

I know you all could figure out how I felt after loosing Brady but I wanted to share some of my thoughts and feelings that I had regarding Aiden after the fact too.

1 Samuel 1:27, "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."

1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you."

For such a time as this...

So I am currently involved in a Beth Moore Bible study, Esther, which has been of course exactly what I needed at this time.  The famous verse Esther 4:14b goes like this, "And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?" I have heard this many times before, but never could really apply it to my life...and it got me thinking! (uh oh)

Basically Esther was hesitant to obey Mordecai's instruction to plead with the king regarding their (the Jews) lives...and he says to Esther (via a messanger) in 4:13, "Do not imagine that you in the king's palace can escape any more than all the jews. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place and you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?" So basically she was going to suffer whether or not she stood up to the king and asked for him to spare the Jews. As I think about this...how many times in my situations do I try and get out of, to escape ebarrassment? Or to try and keep the peace? When I should be looking to set a good example for Christ and obey and fulfill His will for my life. Was Brady's death my "such a time as this?" Was I created for that moment/experience, and as it affects the rest of my life and actions. I can sit back and try to escape what happened to me and my family or I can step up and obey my Savior.
I think about, "what do I have to loose?" And the only thing I can think of that even makes sense is that I could loose my destiny of life (God's destiny) if I choose to hide/cower/disobey. I could loose the fulfillment of God's purpose, and regret that later in life...and believe me I don't want that to happen. I don't want to loose the gifts God has blessed me with all because I am worried about myself...that's not what life is about.

Esther was hesitant to listen to Mordecai's suggestion because she was afraid to die (going before the king without being called for could end in death). But if she didn't plead with the king she could die too, because she was a Jew (and there was a decree out to kill all the Jews). So in a way, "what did she have to loose?" She was fulfilling God's purpose for her life, and making the most of it. I hope and pray I get to do that with my life and don't let it pass by with regrets.

So I ask you all...what is your, "for such a time as this?"

I love this verse 2 Corinthians 10:5, "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."

Exodus 9:16, "But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."

2 Timothy 2:13, "If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself."

2 Timothy 1:7, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."

Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God."

Another side note, in light of celebrating Easter last Sunday...we are also learning about pivot points, or reversal or fortunes. In Esther the point of the story where everything pivots/reverses is in chapter 6. Also the pivot point for us as Christians, is when Jesus is resurrected! (Easter!) Its the point where things turn around, for the better! Another example in the Bible is when Saul, the persecuter becomes Paul the persecuted. I believe my point in time when my life changed was the death of Brady. I know this might be hard for some to understand how this could be a change for the good, but I have become closer with God and had to trust Him now more than ever, and He has proven faithful! It has changed my ways of thinking, my priorities and even how i spend my time and money. I am enjoying every moment of every day and trying to live my life to the fullest for Jesus. Have any of you experienced a pivotal point in your life? How have you responded? Did you turn towards God or away? I am praying that all of you are serving Christ more fully as a result, because it's totally rewarding!