Recent struggles...

So recently I heard that God gives us strength and grace when we need it most. And I would say that it's been obvious that He gave it to me when I needed it most, almost 2 years ago. That is the only way to explain what we have experienced...that we have survived because of God's grace alone. But that means that doubt and fear will creep in and try to make us stumble during our day to day lives. I have totally seen this lately in my own life. God sustained me completely during the hardest times of my life, no doubt, and He still sustains me now, but it's easier for me to get caught up in fear now, more than ever. I see myself sometimes dwelling on what could happen to me or my children or even with day to day events, when really I should surrender it all to God, and like He commands more than any other thing in the Bible, "Do not fear." He has proven faithful in the past, and He is always faithful, but why can't I remember that every day? the enemy knows exactly what we fear the most and he uses that too draw us away from Christ. So take a stand and turn away from fear, and trust in the Lord.

Sometimes as humans too, we rely on physical things, or people to fulfill our needs rather than relying on Christ to fulfill our every need. That is so easy to do, whether it's a friend to talk to and get advice from (instead of immediately turning to prayer and the Bible), or relying on our husbands and children to get the love and acceptance we need as people (Christ loves us unconditionally). So the past few weeks these are issues I am finding myself working through...first to NOT FEAR, and also to let Christ fulfill my needs, rather than being let down by humans (because that will be a constant); Christ will never let me down.

Isaiah 49:16, "Behold I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me."

1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you."

I also have come to the realization that I am "honored" that God has allowed us to expereience what we have, because I know that it is for His glory.  And if even one person comes to Christ through what we have experienced then it was all worth it; I feel blessed that God has used us in such a way. It makes me love Him even more, because I know how much He loves me, and carries me through tough times. But He has a grand plan and as I begin to see little pieces fit together, I'm in awe of His majesty and power.

God gave His one and only son for us on the cross, and I got a little glimpse of what it means to "give" a son, not that we were given an option. So yes we have been blessed with 2 other sons, but I can't imagine what it would be like to loose an only son. Plus another difference is that Christ was without sin, and still died for us. We definately have sin in our world today and therefore we will all die someday. But it makes me realize again how much God loves me because of Him sacrificing his one, and only son, to save us. Wow!

Pslam 104:1, "Praise the Lord, O my soul. O Lord my God, you are very great; you are clothed with spledor and majesty."

Update on Walker...

Hi all! So I expressed to all you my concern, as we found out we were having another boy, regarding the medical issues we had with Brady. So the only thing we could while I was prego with Walker was to find out if it was genetic, by testing my blood, and waiting to have Walker's blood tested when he was born. Thank the Lord that my test came out fine, not genetic!! So chances are Brady's immunodeficiency was a fluke (1 in a mil type of thing)- but obviously part of God's plan from the beginning.

So Walker arrived on May 6th (it's almost his first birthday!!) and his blood was tested. The first round of tests came back great (basic CBC), but we were waiting for more tests of his immune system, which took a while to get back. Finally after calling and waiting and calling and waiting, we found out that one of his values was a little off...he had a low count of B-cells (which is part of the immune system and aids in making antibodies against antigens). So...the only thing to do at this point was wait and re-take his blood a couple months down the road. And it was best for me to keep nursing...that way he gets my antibodies, and is protected longer than if he was on formula.

Walker had more blood work at 6 months and his b-cell count was great!! Praise God! However, his IgG count was low. Ugh...I just wanted an all around good report. But I also realized that many kids could have these issues and never find out about it because they don't get blood work every few months! So I was optimistic. This was the only low value, he was developing anti-bodies to his vaccines, which was something that Brady didn't do very well. So again, I was encouraged. The Dr. decided to put him on antibiotics, prophylactically to prevent him from getting any serious infections (until we could do more testing-and they are trying to play it safe for our circumstance). So since the beginning of December 2009 he has been on Amoxicillin twice a day, which he takes like a champ. We went back for blood work at 9 months and his count was the same, low.  So we remain on antibiotics, and he will be tested again after his first birthday. We are going to CHOP (Children's Hospital of Philadelphia) for all his Dr. appointments and blood work.  The head of immunology, Dr. Orange and his fellow, Dr. Forbes have been following our case and have been fabulous to work with!

I asked Dr. Orange how this low IgG count would manifest itself in a child, and he told me that a child with this low value might be seen in the Dr. office several times for re-curring ear infections, colds, etc. So it seemed minor infections were a result. Walker has never had an ear infection, only several colds this winter, which could have been due to his low IgG. But I feel safe because he is on antibiotcs for the time being. Dr. Orange also said that they wouldn't diagnose this an immunodeficiency until age 4, if he still has this issue. Until that age it could just be that his immune system is taking a slower time developing his IgG. So we are praying that soon (before 4) he makes his own! :)

I wanted to give everyone an abbreviated update, because I'm sure some of you were wondering what ever happened to all of Walker's testing, and also so you could pray for him and us as we continue to wait and re-visit the Doctors! Thanks for all your support, we are truely grateful and love all of you!

I have prayed lots for Aiden since everything has happened for several reasons. At first I felt so bad he had to go through the death of a brother and playmate. He didn't necessarily react in a bad way, but as his mother, I felt really bad for him...probably since I was feeling down I thought he would be too. He also has such a sweet personality that desires to be around other people...for example he won't go into our playroom (which is right off of the fam room and kitchen) to play by himself. He would rather be right next to me in the kitchen. He is also fine if he has a friend over...he will play in there. So one thing that drastically changed at first was he stopped going in his playroom to play. He had been playing in there very well ever since Brady was crawling...because as long as Brady was in there Aiden would play in there too. I guess he likes bodies around, they didn't really have to be playing together. So anyway, that was one thing I noticed right off the bat...Aiden missed his playmate.

Another reason I think I prayed so hard for Aiden was that I guess I was worried for his health and safety. For the few weeks and months after Brady's passing, I feel like I put Aiden in a bubble; I didn't want anything to happen to him. I am not typically a worried mother. My kids get sick and I thought I was very capable at home...of course I took them to the Dr. if something else was wrong, but colds, and fevers never worried me until this. I guess considering the circumstances it was understandable to react this way. But I couldn't take my eyes off of Aiden and had to be by his side. I guess I let anxiety set in and I was afraid of losing him too.

And then I was praying that Aiden wouldn't feel the sadness that his parents felt. I was hoping to put on a good face for him so that he would have my best and not feel neglected. It was ok to be sad...but did not want that to take over, and prevent me from becoming a good mother to him. I had so many mixed feelings regarding being the mother to Aiden after everything happened. I wanted the best for him so much, but felt I couldn't give it to him at the time...whether it was a playmate or happy, strong mother.
I thank the Lord for Walker, our little angel, because Aiden is playing in the playroom again...a little! :) I know God is good and in control but that was one of the hardest things to deal with losing Brady, was that Aiden lost his little brother (who was 19 months younger).

I know you all could figure out how I felt after loosing Brady but I wanted to share some of my thoughts and feelings that I had regarding Aiden after the fact too.

1 Samuel 1:27, "I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."

1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you."

For such a time as this...

So I am currently involved in a Beth Moore Bible study, Esther, which has been of course exactly what I needed at this time.  The famous verse Esther 4:14b goes like this, "And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?" I have heard this many times before, but never could really apply it to my life...and it got me thinking! (uh oh)

Basically Esther was hesitant to obey Mordecai's instruction to plead with the king regarding their (the Jews) lives...and he says to Esther (via a messanger) in 4:13, "Do not imagine that you in the king's palace can escape any more than all the jews. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place and you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?" So basically she was going to suffer whether or not she stood up to the king and asked for him to spare the Jews. As I think about this...how many times in my situations do I try and get out of, to escape ebarrassment? Or to try and keep the peace? When I should be looking to set a good example for Christ and obey and fulfill His will for my life. Was Brady's death my "such a time as this?" Was I created for that moment/experience, and as it affects the rest of my life and actions. I can sit back and try to escape what happened to me and my family or I can step up and obey my Savior.
I think about, "what do I have to loose?" And the only thing I can think of that even makes sense is that I could loose my destiny of life (God's destiny) if I choose to hide/cower/disobey. I could loose the fulfillment of God's purpose, and regret that later in life...and believe me I don't want that to happen. I don't want to loose the gifts God has blessed me with all because I am worried about myself...that's not what life is about.

Esther was hesitant to listen to Mordecai's suggestion because she was afraid to die (going before the king without being called for could end in death). But if she didn't plead with the king she could die too, because she was a Jew (and there was a decree out to kill all the Jews). So in a way, "what did she have to loose?" She was fulfilling God's purpose for her life, and making the most of it. I hope and pray I get to do that with my life and don't let it pass by with regrets.

So I ask you all...what is your, "for such a time as this?"

I love this verse 2 Corinthians 10:5, "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."

Exodus 9:16, "But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."

2 Timothy 2:13, "If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself."

2 Timothy 1:7, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."

Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God."

Another side note, in light of celebrating Easter last Sunday...we are also learning about pivot points, or reversal or fortunes. In Esther the point of the story where everything pivots/reverses is in chapter 6. Also the pivot point for us as Christians, is when Jesus is resurrected! (Easter!) Its the point where things turn around, for the better! Another example in the Bible is when Saul, the persecuter becomes Paul the persecuted. I believe my point in time when my life changed was the death of Brady. I know this might be hard for some to understand how this could be a change for the good, but I have become closer with God and had to trust Him now more than ever, and He has proven faithful! It has changed my ways of thinking, my priorities and even how i spend my time and money. I am enjoying every moment of every day and trying to live my life to the fullest for Jesus. Have any of you experienced a pivotal point in your life? How have you responded? Did you turn towards God or away? I am praying that all of you are serving Christ more fully as a result, because it's totally rewarding!

So as a mother..I began from day one praying for my children (as I'm sure many of you have done)...for who they would one day marry...who they would become...that they would serve Jesus Christ all of their life...etc. But as you're praying that you never think that they won't get married or won't live long enough to know who Jesus is...but that's what we experienced. So now looking back on my prayers for Brady...were those wasted prayers? He never even fulfilled what I was praying for? God knew from day one that he wouldn't fulfill any of them. But obviously that wasn't his purpose here on earth either, and only God knew that. So I do think it's ok to still pray for your children...and I continue to do so, however now I tend to pray that their lives would reflect Christ...and everything would be His will. I also pray very specifically for them in the future, but I realize now that God answers prayers sometimes differently then we expect...and it's all in His will.

Psalm 54:2, "Hear my prayer, O God; listen to the words of my mouth."
And He does hear us when we pray....EVERY word.

So like I mentioned in the previous post, we found out we were pregnant. Anxiously waiting to find out what we were having...not that it mattered girl or boy, but we needed to follow up with our immunologist and devise a plan for this baby. If Brady had an immunodefiency that was genetic...we could have a 50% chance of passing on to any future boys. However if we had a girl, she would not have the disorder but could potentially be a carrier. So we would definately be relieved if it was indeed a girl.
So I was tested to see if this was genetic...trusting and praying the whole waiting peroid that this was a part of God's plan no matter the outcome. I was totally calm!
It was NOT genetic...praise God!
I also mentioned before that if we had a girl i thought it would be easier because I could pack up all the boy things, and not have to be reminded as much of our sweet little Brady. Luke had mentioned however that a boy would be better because then it would blur the memories just a little, between the boys, so it wouldn't be so hard. So I guess we were ok with whatever and only God knew what was best for us.
We found out we were having a boy...and to be honest I was shocked! Are you sure? Can you check again? Haha...I was like, "ok God you must know this is best!"
I still re-decorated the room, and was fortunate to receive lots of hand-me-downs from cousins so I did not need to dig out Brady's old clothes, that reminded me so much of him.
All we could do regarding the medical issues, was wait now until he was born and have blood work done on him as soon as he arrived. And pray for his health!

Now this part is neat! I can remember that in the days and weeks to follow Brady's death, that I repeatedly prayed for God to "bring him back." In my sadness and desperation, that was my cry to the Lord. And today looking at Walker (our 10 month old now), I can say that God DID bring him back (in the only way physically possible)...when He blessed us with Walker. Walker is different and special in his own way, and we will always have that void where Brady once was, however I look at him and realize that God answered my prayer and brought him back to me. They look very similar...more so than Aiden did to either of them. And their personalities are so very similar...its nice to have that back. We will forever miss Brady, but are so very thankful for the glimpse we still have of him in our little Walker.

Ok so one final closing thought and song...singing worship songs at church was a little hard for a while..and most of the time I just stood there and sang them in my heart, (holding back the tears)...not outwardly. But the most difficult song for me to sing was, In Christ Alone. Im still not sure exactly why...i can't even say that the lyrics pertain to what I went through, but it's such a powerful song, and God moved me as I listened. Maybe it's because it has to do with Christ's death and how He was glorified through his death, and what a victorious resurrection came out of His death...and that Jesus commands our destiny; here are the words:

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:

Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.

No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

God will bring healing...

Aiden's 3rd birthday was 3 days after Brady's service. It was a little difficult to be happy with Aiden and still mourn the loss of his brother. But Aiden needed some quality mom and dad time, which was nice to spend with him! Lucas took some time off work, a month, so that we could be together as a family and do a little traveling. Sitting home would be harder we decided...not that either was easy...going to visit family and friends was not easy either, but we decided it was best for us.

We received a few "love" packages in the mail from friends (thank you!) and they included a devotional, "Streams in the Desert," by L.B. Cowman. It was exactly what we needed and I highly recommend this for everyone...even going through daily trials that life brings. Anyway, each day I read, it was exactly what I needed for that day...God is good. One of the devotionals that really impacted me at the time was based on Ecc. 11:3, "If clouds are full of water, they pour rain upon the earth." Doesn't mean much there, but after reading the devo it made more sense to me. Here is one paragraph from that devo:

"How can we have rain without clouds? Our troubles have always brought up blessings, and they always will, for they are the dark chariots of God's bright and glorious grace. Before long the clouds will be emptied, and every tender plant will be happier due to the showers. Our God may drench us with grief, but He will refresh us with His mercy. Our Lord's love letters oftern come to us in dark envelopes...So let us not worry about the clouds. Instead, let us sing because May flowers are brought to us through April clouds and showers."

It was very hard at first, but I am now focusing on what God wants for me out of this circumstance instead of dwelling on the storm itself; that does nobody any good.

I think as a Christian its easy to say that God gives us peace and strength...but until I was in the place when I needed it most...I can truely say He gives us exactly the amount we need! When we need more peace and strength...its given to us! Amen! And I can't believe how much I felt the presence of God with me going through this time of despair. People would ask me, "How are you so strong?" And I can honestly say its only because God gave me TONS of strength!

Psalm 18:32, "It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."

Psalm 29:11, "The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."

Isaiah 33:2, "O, Lord be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress."

Isaiah 40:31, "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint."

Lucas and I also started talking about what does this mean as far as expanding our family? Was this a genetic trait that would be passed down to furture children? Would we have any of our own children again? God knew all the answers to these questions..and already had a plan.

We found out we were pregnant again...so joy was experienced again..after a period of no joy. We had hope the whole time, but joy was not always there. I felt that God was blessing us for being faithful during hardship. Now the waiting to find out what were having. I thought for sure a girl because then we could pack up all the boy things, and not have to be reminded of the memories. Well the wait began and the prayers continued to flow...we knew the only thing to do was to trust God..he was clearly in control.

We will cling to Hope...

One of the most important things i learned following those couple of weeks, was that family is so important, and the trivial things of day to day life really don't matter, considering the large picture. It didn't even matter what I wore, what I ate, or if I even had make up on...(shocking i know), but I realized that the time I get with my kids is so precious and you never know when it will be over, so cherish EVERY minute.

Hope was the main message of Brady's memorial service. That was what we were clinging to, and we wanted others to know that, and also share with us in that hope.  In this crooked and perverse world we live in we cling to the hope we have in the Savior and creator of the world.

There were a lot of songs played that day...and I would say I'm a musical person and love music, so for me that is a way to express my emotions and feelings. If you haven't heard any of these songs I recommend looking them up online and listening.

Come to Jesus by Chris Rice

I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me
It Is Well- hymn

We had a slide show in the beginning of lots of pictures, of Brady's happy self. And the songs that played with it were: Homesick by Mercy Me, and With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman.

We then had some of the teens, from the youth group, read some scripture (look them up-they are all great!):

2 Cor. 4:16-18
1 Thes. 4:16-18
John 16:33
1 Peter 4:13-14
Luke 18:15-17
Romans 5:1-5
Psalm 34: 17-19
Psalm 9:9-10
Psalm 71:5-6
Psalm 59:16-17.

Then we sang, Blessed Be the Name of the Lord, which is based on the verse Job 1:21b, "...The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Lucas and I are clinging to hope at the moment...and I would say that this hope is initially the hope of seeing Brady again in heaven because of the faith we have in Jesus Christ...and as I get farther away from the moment, I still have that desire to see him again, however now I HOPE that Christ is glorified through my life and how we respond to this trial. We are trying to understand the big picture, and how this fits into our life, and in the immediate moment its impossible, because of the pain. However the further we get out we start to see little glimpses of how this is a part of God's bigger and perfect plan (even though that seems weird to say). An illustration we have heard, which puts it very clear, is this: picture someone pressing their nose tighly up against the glass of a painting...they can only see the brush strokes of a little portion of the masterpiece...it doesn't look like much of anything...some would say it looks quite ugly, but as you back up slowly you begin to see the bigger, more beautiful picture it will become. That is how I am hoping our story will turn out, that up close and in the moment it's not too pretty, ugly at times, but as we back up a little and live a little more life, we will see how God's hand has been in it all and He has truely had the BEST plan for us. It reminds me a little of growing up...mom and dad always had rules and said "no" to certain things...and at the time I was upset or did not understand their reasoning, but now as a parent I realize how exactly right they were, and so glad they set boundaries. I would not be the person I am today had it not been for their teaching/correction in the Lord. I know that in the end I will say, "You're right Lord that's exactly what needed to happen...I see the picture so clearly now."

Job 13:15, "Though he slay me, yet I will hope in Him; I will surely defend my ways to his face."
Psalm 147:11, "The Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love."

Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

The Littlest Angel: By Ferna Lary Mills

I’m only a small child, not much do I know.
God holds onto my hand as I look down below.
I’m here with the Father in the most beautiful place
yet I can’t feel much joy when I see your sad face.

Your heart has been broken, I can see from up here
as you struggle along and you wipe every tear.
If I only had words I could send you today
that would tell you I’m home and I’m really okay.

Heaven is beautiful with sparkles and white wings,
and the angels are teaching me so many things.
I’ll grow and mature in this Heavenly land
while holding on tightly to my Father’s soft hand.

Then one day you’ll join me in this home in the skies.
Our joy will be full with no more goodbye’s.
So don’t grieve for me now but find peace in your soul,
and know God has finally made your little one whole.

Now, even if you can’t seem to understand why,
please know in your heart that our love didn’t die.
He tells me that just for a time we must wait
and then I can meet you at Heaven’s front gate!